Black Curtains

I know what depression feels like. I know the gut wrenching pain it causes. I've seen it tear up people who I thought were impervious. I've felt it ripping at my own life on a daily basis. I know what it's like to try to pretend it's not there. To go about your daily life as if everything is wonderful. To pull it together so that nobody else knows. Because if someone else knew how I was suffering, then their day would not be as good. I may feel bad, but it's ok until my feeling bad makes someone else feel bad. Then I can't ignore it anymore. Then the feeling becomes overwhelming.

There are times when I wish everyone and everything would disappear and leave me to wallow in my own self-pity. There in a dark hole all alone. Where I could cry and not have to know why. Where nobody else could stare and feel bad for me. Or ask me how they could help. I know they want to help, but I don't know any more than they do what help would look like.

But, everytime, I am glad when something interrupts my misery. Maybe the bright, smiling face of one of my precious babies, or the voice of someone who truly cares. Or when for some reason I think of someone else's circumstance that makes me feel truly blessed. I know that I'll get through this. Sometimes I don't know what "this" is, but I know I'll get through it. I know there are people who love me and would do anything they could to make it better. I know that, for the most part, I am content in my life. I like where I am. Certainly there are things I would change if I could, but until then, I'm just gonna do my best to remember that when I need them, the people who love me will be there.

And when I want my dark hole, I'll remember to only let that last a few minutes before remembering the countless ways in which I have been blessed. I'll remember that I don't have to do this alone. That there are others who know exactly how I feel. That no matter how much I try to convince myself that my life sucks, that will never be true.