Soon, please

I need to not go to the OB/GYN anymore. Fortunately, I get my wish. Today was my last office visit because when your doctor is in Alaska, he could care less if you get pre-eclamptic. But, the reason that I need to stay away from there has more to do with the fact that it is highly depressing for me.

I don't want to hear that I'm no more dilated than last week or that it is likely that I won't go into labor on my own before induction. How about a little hope? Maybe some compassion. Maybe I need to start the Zoloft now. No, that's not a joke.

I know that by definition post-partum depression begins post-partum, but is it possible that it could start before? I am already feeling that hopeless dread that overcame me after Memphis was born. This is supposed to be the time when I'm getting excited about having a new baby. Why can't I focus on that?

I know I just need to suck it up and power through. Well, I guess "need" isn't the right word as I don't have a choice but to suck it up and power through. I'm hoping that the light at the end of this tunnel begins to show itself soon. I know in my head that I have countless things to be thankful for; that my situation is not that bad; that feeling this way doesn't change or help anything. But I can't seem to make it stop. I feel the need to put on my happy face on a daily basis because I hate crying in front of other people and if I have to talk about it I will cry. There is evidence of that all over my keyboard right now.

I'm sure when the baby is here I will feel differently. I don't know that there is anything on this earth so precious as a newborn baby. Until then, I pray that everyday will race by, that I won't alienate everyone I know, and that my babies won't catch me crying because hearing, "what's wrong Mommy?" breaks my heart.

Please don't worry about me, I feel much better now.