Sorrow

I don't know what to say. I'm grieving the death of a child who I never knew. A child who touched more lives in his short four and a half years than I may touch for the rest of mine.

Back in October, I think, a link to a particularly funny ebay auction came through the mommy group that I belong to. Since then I have been reading Dawn's blog. She would update on Julian every so often, but I didn't want to even think about it. A four year old with brain cancer. My mind could not comprehend it. It hit too close to home. I didn't want to know.

Then one day something made me take the plunge. I started reading Julian's carepage. His mom, Mimi, began writing it back in March just after he was diagnosed. It didn't take me long to read Julian's whole story despite the fact that she wrote an update almost everyday.

The more I read the more involved I became. Then in November his MRI showed that cancer had taken over his brain and his spine and it was determined that there was no longer a treatment plan. Only a hospice plan.

Julian went to Heaven this morning.

I knew it was coming and yet I can't believe it. How do you bury a four year old? As a mother, how do you watch your baby die? It makes my whole body hurt to think about it. My mind can't even go there.

I wonder how his three brothers will ever understand what has happened. How do you explain to children that, yes, even kids die? Cancer is such an evil thing.

What a gift I have. To be the mother of healthy children. What more could I ask for? And yet, it is something that I take for granted. My blessed little babies run and play everyday. They do not even know what cancer is. Thank God.

My heart, the heart of a mother, goes out to Mimi tonight. I cannot imagine the pain. Rest in peace, Julian. You touched more lives than you know.